For the past two years, I stepped away from writing.

Not because I had nothing to say. Not because the questions disappeared. And not because life suddenly became clear and easy.

I stepped away because I had to hold on for a while, listen, and explore the very truth within to understand the direction I want to pursue.

Coming back to The Unraveled Mind feels less like a return to content creation and more like a return to listening. To noticing. To standing still long enough to ask a question many of us avoid for years:

What is truly mine to live?

Not what sounds impressive. Not what keeps others comfortable. Not what fits neatly into expectations handed to us by family, work, culture, or fear.

Our own purpose.

Why purpose feels so hard to find

Purpose is often treated like a destination, as if one day we will suddenly discover the perfect answer and everything will fall into place.

But purpose rarely arrives like a lightning strike.

More often, it appears in fragments. In the things that keep calling us back. In the experiences that shaped us. In the pain we learned from. In the quiet knowing we keep dismissing because it does not look “important enough.”

And that is where many of us get stuck.

Not because we have no purpose, but because we have learned to mistrust what feels deeply true.

What holds us back

There are many forces that pull us away from ourselves, but a few show up again and again.

1. We follow false beliefs as if they were facts

Many of the beliefs guiding our lives were never consciously chosen.

We inherit them.

• Success must look a certain way.

• A meaningful life must be productive all the time.

• If something comes naturally, it cannot be valuable.

• If others do not validate it, it probably does not matter.

These beliefs become lenses. And when we look through them long enough, we forget they are not reality.

We call ourselves unrealistic when we are actually being honest. We call ourselves lazy when we are exhausted. We call ourselves lost when we are simply outgrowing an old direction.

False beliefs do not just distort purpose. They create anxiety around it. Because every genuine desire has to fight its way through a wall of internalized doubt.

2. We try to meet external expectations

This one is especially subtle.

Sometimes we do not even realize that the life we are building is a performance for an invisible audience.

We want to be seen as responsible, successful, stable, intelligent, kind, accomplished. None of these are bad things. But when our choices are driven more by approval than truth, we slowly abandon ourselves.

We choose what makes sense on paper. We say yes when our whole body says no. We keep walking paths that no longer feel alive, simply because turning around would require explanation.

And explanation is uncomfortable.

But living disconnected from yourself is far more costly.

The experience you keep devaluing may be the clue

One of the strangest things we do as humans is ignore the wisdom of our own lives.

We dismiss what we have lived through because it feels too ordinary, too messy, too personal.

But your experience matters.

The things that broke you, shaped you, humbled you, and woke you up are not irrelevant details. They may be the very places where purpose begins.

Not as a polished slogan. Not as a perfect five-year plan. But as a thread.

A direction.

A quiet inner pull saying: there is something here.

Maybe purpose is less about inventing and more about remembering

Maybe purpose is not something you have to chase. Maybe it is something you uncover when you stop trying so hard to become who you were told to be, or more honestly; who you tell yourself to be.

That requires courage. It requires stillness. It requires to question beliefs that once kept you safe.

And yes, it may require disappointing expectations that were never truly yours to carry.

But perhaps that is where life begins to feel like your own again.

This is where I want to begin again with The Unraveled Mind.

Not with perfect answers, but with better questions. Not with performance, but with presence. Not with certainty, but with a willingness to look at the lenses through which we have been seeing ourselves.

If you have been feeling disconnected from your direction, maybe the problem is not that you have no purpose.

Maybe you have simply been taught to look away from it.

And maybe now is the moment to look and listen again.

Be brave! Be now.

I’m sitting next to the window, gazing through the outside scenery. A duvet of clouds, dropping shadows down to earth as the sun sets on the horizon, casting magical shining light-rays all over the sky.

It could be a moment of bliss, but thoughts playing their usual game, dragging me far away.

These last weeks have been a journey between now, then, here and there. A balancing act of self-talks; if that makes sense? This moment when one event triggers every once hosted self-doubt to rise and take over you. A domino effect. You hit one pile and off you go.

Looking back, with today’s wisdom; I certainly failed as a father. My daughter turns 20 this month, but I can’t recall that we ever had a period of silence. My heart broke, causing despair to take over as she went on mute. I can’t imagine something more dreadful than this.

Outside, the sun is setting, causing the stars to gradually shine brighter through the constantly darkening of the firmament. Only a barely noticeable slice of brightness, the legacy of today’s sunlight, wishing farewell on the horizon.

It could be a moment of bliss, but I’m no witness.

Thoughts dragging me down the rabbit-hole. Like “This is your captain speaking”, automatically attracts your attention, to listen, to believe, to follow.

This speech, creeping through every past moment, every evidence of failure; proving.

His piercing words, persuading that nothing I’m doing is worth to be born, to continue, let alone to bring to an end; feeling worth and powerless.

As I sit there, drowned in self-loath, I barely notice the moonlight and gleaming clouds, a picture drawn to the sound of Beethoven’s same named sonata. Tears pouring in between each wave of failures that is coming through.

Turning my captain’s radio down, his speech fading in between the midst of the clouds, the roaring of the plane, the moon, the earth, the sky.

There it is and always was… Bliss.

4 years ago, I published a song I wrote in 2018, the only song I ever made public. It was a time of despair, mental pain, and helplessness. The root of what gave birth to “the unraveled mind” later on.

I remember how exhaustive the publishing process was. Sensible to any sort of critics, I felt like dropping my pants as I hit that upload button on YouTube, using the little energy left since I burned out in 2017. How could it be different if the predominant, unconscious conviction you have about yourself is of not being good enough?

I had to do this. I don’t even know why or what this urge was that I sensed. All I know is that I was close to give up in a final way.

The letter I wrote to my depressed-self, called “These Days”.

—

I see you come around to drag me down again,
to nail my heart right to the ground, isolate me from my friends.
I didn’t call you to pop by and take away my home.
Watch me slowly disappear and vanish from the world.
Trust I don’t expect you to follow down my path,
to help me through my misery and get rid of my wrath.
It’s time to throw it back to you cause I can’t stand this pain
get out of my way so I can live my life again.

These days are over when I treat you like someone else.
Gotta hold my head up high to find a way back to myself.

Staring at the window, jamming thoughts down through my head.
Life outside reflects the feelings lying in me dead.
Your presence eats my love just like the cancer ate my mom.
Fuck you, leave my world before the sun rises in the dawn.
Trust I don’t expect you to follow down my path,
to help me through my misery and get rid of my wrath.
It’s time to throw it back to you cause I can’t stand this pain
get out of my way so I can live my life again

These days are over when I treat you like someone else.
Gotta hold my head up high to find a way back to myself.

Video:

—

4 years later, sitting here, reflecting…

Oh yes, this depressive-self is coming back from time to time. And when he does, I welcome him, serving him tea; so am I right now. The reason I became quiet last week on here. He will move on.

I’m endlessly grateful I found a way to this present moment back in 2021-22; the now, free from the past and future clutter of our mind. Though it isn’t as easy to stay present as it is to understand from a conceptual point of view.

I had great ups and great downs since then. And when I say “great downs”, I’m not referring to these bottomless pits, depression can suck you in. I mean, the ability to experience downs outside of these pits. Being ok with it, understanding the wisdom it bears while knowing it will change; it will move on.

The good thing that comes with each visit is another repertoire of insights worth to share.

There’s no good or bad. Savouring the ups and welcoming the downs that let us grow.

My purpose, firing me up every day to pursue the only thing that makes sense to me. Sharing my journey to inspire others, realizing who they always have been. Free from this psychological-self we have built.

I’ll be back shortly, just need some more time to say goodbye to my depressive-self once more. He stands at the door right now; just need to wave.

Wish you all a present and conscious week! 🍀

The past days have been a journey of recognition, revelation, and transformation. It has brought me closer to freedom; a rollercoaster ride, the same I’m on for years.

Yet I was missing the connection, the one that let you truly understand.

I found the key in an essay written by . I was struck and deeply touched as I recognized this part of me which I tried to get rid off in a belief it would set me free. Read it here —> Sex makes me hate myself

I’m grateful to have come to this raw and authentic piece. Thank you !

I spun around, not knowing how to write it down. I had to break boundaries to find the right words since my usual writing style didn’t let space for this deep truth to come to surface.

I found it in the form of poetry. A poem about acceptance and freedom. May it inspire you to come a bit closer to making peace with yourself.

I would love to do that, but I’m not talented enough, or I don’t have these skills, or whatever excuses come along.

I admire people who do all these incredible things I wish I could. Yet it’s too risky, I don’t dare. What if this and that happens?

Billions born and raised, trapped in an endless loop of securing wishes, dreams, plans, and environments. Preparation and anticipation; a constant play on the safer-side, longing for whatever they don’t dare.

We believe we’re safe as long as we’re in control. One of the biggest illusions we maintain.

Security leaves us stagnate in the so-called comfort-zone; for the comfort-zone, today and to me, equals death.

We can’t be more secure than we are at every moment in time. There’s no insurance that will ever be able to prevent things from happening in your life. Unless money is your treasure, then yes. You may receive reimbursement AFTER an incident occurs.

Security is not about controlling, but about trust. But trust in what?

I remember when I found myself lying in the ditch, my motorcycle 30 meters further; Consciously breathing in a bare moment of stillness.

I was alive.

It was a period of disorientation, a constant seek for distraction since I couldn’t see clearly, and escaping has always been my unconscious reaction.

Yet escaping from yourself isn’t possible in the long run. It always comes to you, gently knocking on your door, asking to hold on for a moment and realize what really matters.

Ignoring theses may lead to catching a cold or a day where all of your plans fall off… providing you with time to take care of yourself and reflect; If it’s accepted that way.

If not, such gentle door-knocks may come in amplified, like the motorcycle crash I had.

My broken leg has kept me immobilized for more than 30 days. Time enough to reflect and to realize.

How the hell can one, so lonely & vulnerable, gain security if not through someone else or through a change of situation?

There’s nothing that can satisfy a mind full of whys.

“Knowledge, you may get from books but wisdom is trapped within you, release it.”
— Ismat Ahmed Shaikh

Time flew by as I rested at home, depending on the help from others. Days, weeks, ashamed and drawn in self-pity.

4 weeks after the accident, I went to the hospital for another round of x-rays. The doc informed me that if my bone won’t fully heal on its own, they will need to set a titanium plate for support. A decision whether a surgery is necessary was still open.

X-rays done, and while consulting with my doc, I saw the tear almost closed. All good! He said.

I made my way back home, grateful that I didn’t have to undergo surgery.

It’s been a few more days, stuck on my couch. I felt angry and sad, desperately crying out for someone to help me escape this state of powerlessness.

There was nothing I could do until I remembered the few lessons I had in mindfulness; accepting the situation as it is.

I lay there, breathing, sensing through my body, indulged in pain. Breathing in and out, letting tears run down my cheek, telling me it’s okay.

After a while, I saw the x-ray with my almost healed bone, the almost closed tear. And the “it’s ok” slowly became meaningful. It is ok. These simple words suddenly began to vibrate. They became alive, if that makes sense.

My heartbeat calmed down, tears ceased to run as I realized the wonder of life. The absolute truth of being secure.

My body recovered on its own. How can one be more secure than being alive, where everything works without us intervening?

Could I have prevented the accident? I could argue yes, if I wouldn’t have let myself dragged by a speeding car, just to see if I can hold up with it.

But the answer is no. I had to undergo this experience. I’m surely now can prevent such a situation since I perfectly know where such behavior can lead to.

Things happen as they happen. We do, and we learn by failing.

Motorcycling bears an enormous risk, and everyone doing it knows about it. I could “secure” myself while never ever riding again. But I can tell you that the countless breathtaking experiences I made on 2 wheels have been priceless. Moments I don’t regret. Let alone all the encounters with beautiful people who today I call friends.

“If you want total security, go to prison. There you’re fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom. ”
― Dwight D. Eisenhower

The point is, we’re as secure as we can be. We don’t need to control and manipulate our journey, as all it does is to prevent us from experiencing. Experiences you don’t want to regret of not having gone through when lying on your death-bed.

And here’s a promise: Your inevitable death is real, and it will come sooner than you think.

Don’t allow fear, insecurity, and discomfort to hinder you from pursuing your greatest wishes. You’re ok! You will fail and you will succeed on the way! The most important is that you will live and grow!

Enjoy your moments!

Patrick

“God damn, how I hate Mondays!” he thought while standing in the metro, cramped between 90 other good citizens on their way to work. His eyes, barely open, the taste of coffee and cigarettes in his mouth, longing for the past 2 days in the countryside. “I wish I could live there…”

A sandwich and the presentation in his pocket, drafted swiftly more badly than good yesterday evening, for the decision makers to celebrate the acquisition of another billion worth of business. “Meaningless” he thought. There was a time where he celebrated his fruitful efforts proudly, but lastly success has lost all meanings to him.

Out of the metro, he jumped up the stairways towards the market square, just a hundred meters away from the office. Almost at half-way when a tramp and his shopping cart bumped into him.

“Hell, watch your path!” he yelled. The tramp apologized while he gathered his things together. “Would you have a small donation? I’m hungry and I can’t remember when I ate last,” the tramp asked. He waved his hand. “Sorry buddy, I’m damn late!” As he turned and walked towards the office, where they were waiting for him. Though he felt sorry.

Driven by his duty, he ran and went mentally over the presentation, then realized he hadn’t really internalized. “F***! this will be a disaster,” he thought as he stepped up into the corridor leading right to the meeting rooms. He opened the door, stepped in, and walked to the presenter spot while trying to ignore the gazes he felt on his back. “Please apologize for being late, it won’t happen again”, he said, and started his presentation.

—— Flipping sides ——

In between 90 other persons standing in the metro on their way to work, a young man, standing in the middle, letting his gaze go around. A folder clamped under his arms and a smile drawn on his face, so unreal, as if nothing in the world could shake his unwavering presence.

Immersed by sounds, people’s expressional faces and the play of light and shadows as the metro runs into the market square station. The door, barely open, unleashing a sizzling sound that marked the start for the people to escape, one faster than the other, like a restless farm of ants on the hunt for materials and food.

He walked up the stairway as if called by a guiding light coming from the overground. Walking through a busy world, full of immersions made of literally everything. Yelling people, rushing and honking cars and ever-changing clouds in a grey-blue sky. “What an unbalanced, yet perfect world,” he thought, as he crossed the street and took on his journey towards the office.

An old homeless man crossed his path with his shopping cart in front, asking for a couple of dollars to get some food. As he noticed the sparkling eyes and sensed the hunger, he took out and lay down his sandwich in the outstretched hands of this hungry, old, and homeless man. A smile of grace manifested on his face. As he waved goodbye, his heart smiled back. Connected to the salvational moment a sandwich can mean to a hungry man.

Entering the office building causing the noises from outside fading slowly. He walks up the corridor towards the meeting room, while taking a deep breath before entering. As he stepped in and walked towards the presenter spot, he looked at the impatient participants with a smile and apologized for being late, connected his laptop and started the presentation.

Bottomline

While this might sound surrealistic and too good to be true, there’s no exaggeration in it. It’s what happens when we surrender to whatever is. Being late, for instance, is something that we can’t change if it’s the case. You can decide to cling to it and suffer all the consequences you draw in your mind, or accept it and move on with whatever is in that moment consciously.

The point I’m making is, happiness is accessible at anytime, all it requires is to surrender and give up the urge to control and secure your life. We can’t be more secure than we already are. Things happen, change, and pass. No thinking or action can prevent things from happening. But thinking and action can lead to acceptance and let go.

Perhaps try it next time when you find yourself in a similar situation. Direct your focus on what’s happening around you without judgement. Even if it’s just for a minute before your thoughts take over again. Regularly doing this will bring you one step closer.

I hope you liked my first “novel” kind of format. I felt experimental today, so I gave it a try. Let me know what you think about and if you’d like to read more in this format.

Have a lovely weekend 🍀

We often read that happiness is a decision. But what does it mean and what does it need?

Enjoy listening and don’t hesitate to let me know about your comments and feedbacks, they’re much appreciated.

Enjoy the moment while listening.

Patrick.

We live our lives so fast, leaving no time to actually grasp the wisdom of a moment in stillness. For there are almost none.

We’re constantly chasing fulfillment driven by a firm belief of not being complete. A belief of not being enough the way we are right here and now. Although we can’t be more complete and secure as we always have been.

These moments between the words and thoughts, the do’s and wants, make us feel uncomfortable. The reason why it’s so difficult to maintain a meditative state for a longer period.

It doesn’t let us rest. We’re constantly submitted to a feeling, pushing us to do or solve something. As if standing still would be a waste of time.

All of our doing gives us a sense of security. A sense of being in control.

If we try to step out of it through meditation, we get nervous.

Going within and open for what will happen means we’re giving up control, and this requires having trust.

We don’t trust in life, although life never gave us a reason to not trust.

If we put into perspective what life really is about and what it’s not, things become a bit clearer.

Life just works. It’s a perfectly balanced system that doesn’t require to be understood or to be manipulated.

We look at nature as if we would stand apart. Though the only thing that sets us apart is our mind.

We breathe, digest food and sleep without us intervening. It just happens and it always works. Same like nature. We’re part of it.

For instance, if you’re like me, having issues to let go the day and fall asleep, it’s lack of trust. A dominating mind, trying to solve all the problems and to be in control.

For the requirements of life we need to take care of are very simple: We need food, social interactions and shelter. That’s it.

All the rest just works.

We can eat, but we’re not digesting, nor make sure that oxygen and elements our body needs are well processed. Same with everything harming our body to be evacuated. It just happens.

We can prepare ourselves for sleeping, but we don’t fall asleep. It just happens. We’re not in control.

It’s the way we live that manipulates and renders a malfunctioning of the system, causing mental and physical health issues.

The biggest problem about failing a task when aiming to become a better version of ourselves is not the failure of the task itself, but the collateral impact it might have on every other activity we’re doing.

It ignites a feeling of overall incapability. An unconscious belief might settle affecting our motivation, even for the things we typically enjoy.

For instance, at the moment, I’m reading a book called “The Shaolin Spirit”. I love this book, since all of its wisdom deeply resonates and is inline with the experiences I made so far by myself.

The Shaolin way is based on discipline that requires a lot of energy. But as a former long term depressed person who experienced burnout, I have to be very cautious about it.

Yet I wasn’t…

Energy is probably the most precious resource we have. Yet, personally, I rarely have been mindful about mine, and I used to go all-in for whatever I was doing.

I got inspired and tried to adopt techniques into my daily life to work with my “bad habits”. Initially very motivated, but soon drown in despair, frustration and self-loath.

There’s no one size fits all.

I haven’t done my math right. Since the setting Shi Heng Yl describes in the book, is totally different to mine.

He explains that the candidates have to submit themselves to the rules of the temple for 1 year before they’re considered becoming novices.

“We take all decisions for them during the year. We set everything from morning till evening. When to wake up, when to train, when to eat, when to sleep. They cannot decide for them-selves nor skip any of the activities. No room is left for personal preferences or private activities.”

Be mindful about your own setting

When reading the book, everything sounded so easy to follow and without further reflections, I gave myself a challenge.

Yet if you try to be your own master and student at the same time, you’ll constantly have to work hard mentally to keep yourself disciplined. This alone consumes most of your energy. And that’s the part they take off from you, while leaving you nothing but the instructions that you have to carry out.

So I went through frustration and felt trapped in a hole that not only made me despair about my inability to change my habits, but it also affected my enjoyment of writing. Thoughts have risen that went far beyond of what actually happened.

As a bottom line…

There are countless guides and tips for every aspect in becoming a better version of yourself on the internet. And some might be exactly what you need.

The point is to remind yourself that such guides, or books you got inspired by, have been written commonly to describe the concept and general steps to get there.

Yet they can’t take into account the pre-requisites defined by your actual setting.

It might be exactly what would be good for you, yet also might require slight adjustments to make it work for you.

The risk of the consequences affecting way more than the task itself is too high; and the potential damage is too important.

Unconscious thoughts may rise to question even the things we enjoy.

This goes in circles, and if it remains unnoticed, leaves you stagnated in an overall unsatisfied emotional state.

If you find yourself losing motivation for something you normally enjoy doing, consider the possibility that it’s just an afterthought brought on by something totally else you failed at.

This is a conversation space in the Substack app that I set up exclusively for my subscribers — kind of like a group chat or live hangout. I’ll post short prompts, thoughts, and updates that come my way, and you can jump into the discussion.

To j…

Read more

Don’t hesitate to let me know about your comments and feedback, i’d really appreciate, and will not miss to get back to you.

Enjoy the moment.

Patrick.

Never be afraid to decide.

There is no right or wrong, just as there is no good or bad.

For whatever you decide, things always will work in your favor.

What I mean is that everything comes to you the way you need it, regardless of the path you choose.

Yet be certain to do it full-hearted; don’t wobble!

Embrace success and welcome failure.

In both cases, it’s just as good as it is bad. It’s exactly right if you can accept it that way.

And if at times, you’re suffering, know that it won’t last!

The same is true when you are happy. This too will pass!

Just be aware of what you want or be clear about what you no longer want.

And if you make the effort and give yourself the value to keep changing these things, then you will never be sad for long, but will grow in the flow of life.

Yesterday I published my first podcast in which I talked about 2 different autopilot modes we’re running on day in and day out. If you haven’t already, you can listen to it here.

The mode that stands in our way is driven by deep-rooted beliefs we have built in our childhood. It affects the way we behave and how we live our relationships. This includes the relationship we maintain with ourselves.

One of my most loyal subscribers left a comment on my podcast saying:

Everyone who is working on themselves, understanding their beliefs and trying to make peace with it, knows this feel.

Over the last couple of months, I’ve gone through an extensive process that showed me once more:

“The part of us we want to change is the part that wants to be accepted”

The challenge we face in accepting our past selves and their beliefs is the time it takes to transition from our mind down to our heart.

We understand intellectually what it means to accept, but this one-dimensional understanding has to settle and become 3 dimensional. (Mind, Heart and Intuition).

For the mind we can tick it off. It’s the entrance door. We understand quickly and from there we can work and bring it down to our heart.

And once we got to feel what we understood intellectually at first; the magic happens.

We embody the whole experience. It becomes part of our intuition where we sense the truth.

Also known as the “A-ha!” Effect.

It’s the way we come to wisdom.

The simplest example to explain this process is when a parent tells his child to not touch the flame of the candle, because it hurts.

The “A-Ha!” effect, however, will only happen when it touches the flame. It feels, and it knows (3 dimensional) the truth.

And this state of wisdom is required for us to let go.

Letting go of the false beliefs we formed in our childhood is a process that takes far more time than the instant wisdom we gain by touching a flame.

The following has changed the entire game for me and I hope it will for you as well:

The issue I faced was my excessive focus on trying to internalize this intellectual understanding.

Trying to get a grip on my younger-self, made me feel exhausted and desperate. Those moments when you wish you could remain unconscious of it. It just seems too much and unpassable.

Once more….

“The part of us we want to change is the part that wants to be accepted”

Let’s forget for a moment our younger selves who have built these beliefs. It’s way too long ago and out of reach.

Instead, let’s embrace who and how we are today.

It all starts with the part of us we want to change. It is present and within our reach.

Finding love for this part is the key. To emotionally understand why this part exists and to cultivate forgiveness.

Everything will unfold and settle automatically the more we love and enjoy ourselves in the present.

We cannot be more aware as we already are. We know it and the embodiment is on its way. The more we try to push it through, the more we maintain resistance and the longer it takes.

The more we’re present, the more we create distance to our problems, including our beliefs we carried for so long. This space is required for the process to unfold and the magic to happen.

It ultimately allows you to come closer to the root; the flame.

We shouldn't forget that without this space, we would pass on the things we can already enjoy today.

And to support this…

I'd like to invite you to read “A walk in the woods”, an article I came across yesterday.

It takes you on a journey through nature with breathtaking pictures and his incredible talent for describing every detail of his discoveries, making you feel as if you're actually there.

It blew my mind, and I stayed at peace knowing this is what it means to be present. I hope it will help you as well to get a bit closer to the now.

Thank you very much for this marvelous piece. I’ll keep it in mind on my walks and try to look at things the way you do.

Enjoy the moment,

Patrick

Ourselves, running on autopilot, the impact on our wellbeing and what we can do to improve ourselves and our life.

In this episode I’m exploring the following two autopilot modes:

• Energy Saving mode

• Belief driven mode

Enjoy listening and don’t hesitate to let me know about your comments, i’d really appreciate, since this is the first time I’m trying this format and your feedback will help me to improve.

Enjoy the moment while listening.

Patrick.

We don’t need to question ourselves if we’re happy or not. It's just something we know, because we feel.

Recently, only a couple of years ago, I felt totally demoralized about my life’s situation.

For instance, I knew I wasn’t happy with my job for years, but changing direction was financially not an option.

Over time, I built way too much obligations, the loan for the house, the cars, and the lifestyle we were living.

I had depression. Unable to find my place in life.

I remember very well the feeling of being trapped, being jailed within the situation, with no way out.

At such a moment, it’s difficult to see clearly.

I couldn’t see the forest for the trees.

What got me out of it?

I broke up my 20 years lasting relationship and marriage, quit my job, took my part of the savings and left the country to spend some time in the south on a beautiful island named Crete in Greece; hoping to heal my depressed-self.

Sounds selfish, runaway, and scary? To be honest, it was! The reason it took me years to make that move.

Tormented by thoughts & feelings of guilt, leaving my family behind, not able to care for them anymore…

It was a turmoil, but at the end, I knew either I will go through that valley paved with emotions of guilt, or I will die gradually.

I haven't been a good husband and father. But equally, I know for certain now, I couldn’t have flourished without this move.

After years of isolation I finally became accessible again; for others and for myself.

Sometimes, the changes we must embrace can appear impossible to overcome, and therefore rarely considered as an option.

Where to start if we don’t know what we want or what to do about it?

It's hard to know what we want when we're deeply involved.

The best starting point is to know what you don’t want!

Then challenge yourself with the following 2 questions:

• Can I change the situation?

• Can I leave the situation?

And if you can’t answer one of the two positively, then all you can do is to accept the situation as it is.

This exercise isn’t easy at all.

In my case, I went through this process again and again.

First couple of iterations went like: I can’t change the situation and I can’t leave the situation. I try to accept and be content with it.

I was repeating this every-time depression got me down on my knees until I couldn’t anymore.

And before considering the rope, I sat there and tried to figure out if I really can’t make an option of either changing or leaving.

Changing was quickly out of the game. Since there were too many factors which I couldn’t control.

Leaving was the only option left.

Although it was a painful and pride-swallowing act to fully decide and start the move, once I got past this, everything became lighter, and I knew it was right.

Today I found back to myself; closer than ever before.

Life’s challenges can still awake my depressive-self. But only for a short time, since I learned that the lack of love I was experiencing was me not loving me, and thus, couldn’t accept to be loved.

As a bottom line…

Whenever and whatever we’re facing in life that we want to change, we’re left with 3 options.

We can either change the situation, leave it, or accept it; Full stop.

Changing a situation by yourself is only possible if you control all the elements. As soon as there’s another person included, you can’t, unless you find a solution that everyone agrees to.

Making significant life changes, particularly when feeling trapped, can be daunting and may require tough decisions.

We’re often scared of the consequences.

However, it is crucial to understand that these consequences at first are thoughts. And they primarily originate from our own beliefs and anxieties about societal judgment amongst others.

Don't allow this to hold you back.

It hurts, but sometimes it’s a good idea to let die the old for the new to be born.

You’re worth it!

Eating vegetables instead of sweets, exchanging coffee for tea and wine for water.

There’re so many things we know would serve us much better, yet still we’re not doing them. Perhaps we try sometimes, but imediately give up again.

Mostly we can’t even find a valid reason for it. We might like vegetables very much, and could even find alternatives to sweets that we truly enjoy.

And still we pull back as if there’s an invisible force grabbing on us.

What would be your technique to tackle it?

Some would say, it’s all about discipline.

Discipline, to me, is only one part of the puzzle, regardless of how good you’re at.

If we look closer at what makes it so difficult, we find 2 elements that we need to work on in order to overcome.

1. Habit

2. Unmet needs

Read more

In this fast-paced life, we cannot pass by setting boundaries if we don’t want to end as a mental smashed-potato.

There’re just too many things happening in a ridiculously short amount of time.

Everyone has to offer, do, or deliver whatever it is by yesterday.

Not only do we need to be lightening fast, we’re also asked to be mental and emotional beasts.

But that’s not how it works. And the only way to protect us is to set boundaries.

But what are boundaries?

Boundaries are guidelines, rules, or limits that you create to identify reasonable, safe, and permissible ways for others to behave towards you.

These boundaries can be physical, emotional, or mental, and they help define your sense of self and your ability to maintain autonomy and self-respect.

You can look at it as a game. There are rules to follow. Being it at work, leisure or family, we agree to a set of rules that allows the smooth execution of the game.

Yet what happens when we don’t set our own rules?

Well, the game cannot run smooth… it will always be on you. Whether you’ve put in time or emotional energy.

It runs, but out of balance.

Let’s have a look at thoughts that prevent setting boundaries.

They often stem from internalized beliefs, or fears of conflict, rejection, or being viewed as selfish.

Our mistake is that we believe, and we obey them.

Here are a few common examples:

“I don’t want to upset or disappoint others”

It’s understandable to worry about how others will react when boundaries are set.

Yet if you’re clear with your boundaries, then you won’t be able to upset or disappoint someone.
And if someone reacts disappointed or upset, then probably because this person had an expectation that wasn’t met. But that’s out of your control!

“I should always prioritize others’ needs over my own”

This belief often arises from the values we have been given in our childhood.

There’s nothing wrong with caring for others. But if you continually hold on this attitude, you will drain your energy. And without, you won’t be able to care for yourself, let alone for others.

It’s a necessity to have good housekeeping in energy.

“I’m worried about losing the relationship or connection”

We all have it. Fear of being alone or being rejected.

Yet sharing your boundaries can actually strengthen relationships through mutual understanding and respect. And if this is not possible, then the relationship can’t really work.

I know this is difficult to accept because the reality is rarely inline with what we want.

Yet once you understand, this case will save you from a lot of struggles; although it seems so sad at the moment.

What to do with such thoughts?

The best way is to stop blindly believe and react, but to question instead.

3 Questions to challenge the thought:

1. Why do I want (or not) to do that?
   Example: Why do I want to prioritize others’ needs over my own?
   Possible answer: I want to feel accepted.

2. What would happen in the worst case if I do (or don’t)?
   Possible answer: I could be rejected

3. Would I still be okay afterwards?
   Possible answer: Well, I’ll be sad for a while, but I guess I’d be okay.

Answering these questions isn’t easy. You need to take some time for it. Yet the most important thing is that you have to rely on facts when you answer.

Guesses or interpretations are not allowed.

An exception is on question number 2. Since you should picture your worst case scenario.

These questions help to relativize and remove the weight that we experience. Making it easier to set them.

Anyhow, if you’re struggling with setting boundaries, I trust that you have a high amount of empathy.

I know, and you should as well, the boundaries you will set won’t be an act of selfishness!

Just to get this selfishness out of the way :)

Reality is a subjective concept that varies from person to person, including our own perception of it, and especially the perception we hold about ourselves.

It’s easy to determine the reality we perceive when it’s just about having a different opinion of something.

We can rely on facts and be able to understand the opinion of another, even if we’re not in agreement.

But what about the opinion we have about ourselves?

While the key to understand a possible different perception about ourselves is the same as trying to understand someone else’s opinion, the execution, however, isn’t as easy.

The facts in that case are rarely visible to us.

For instance, a person can be convinced of being highly self-confident. But it might only manifest that way because of a subconscious long-term built behavior to cover the lack of self-esteem.

We first have to realize the glasses we’re looking through.

These glasses reflect a distorted perception of ourselves and thus of others as well.

Some examples of glasses through which we perceive a distorted reality that affects our wellbeing:

• The all-in or all-out lens

We might view situations in extreme, all-or-nothing terms, without considering middle or gray areas.

“If my partner doesn’t agree with me on everything, then he / she must not really love me.” ”If I can’t stick to my diet perfectly, then I might as well not bother at all.”

• The generalization lens

We make broad interpretations based on a single or limited experience, and applying them to other situations or future events.

“I messed up one interview, so I’ll never get a job anywhere.” “All men/women are untrustworthy because I was hurt in a past relationship.”

• The filtering lens

We focus only on the negative aspects of a situation while ignoring the positive elements. You receive overwhelmingly positive feedback on your work performance but focus solely on the one critical comment, feeling as if you have failed. or You have a pleasant conversation with a group of people but dwell only on one awkward moment, causing you to believe that the entire interaction was a disaster.

• The disaster lens

We assume the worst-case scenario will happen, and exaggerating the potential consequences of a situation. “I stumbled over my words; everyone must have thought I was a complete failure.” “I made a mistake at work; I’m going to get fired.” “My partner is late; he / she must have been in an accident.”

• The mind reading lens

We assume we know what others are thinking, mostly assuming they think negatively of us. “I can tell my partner is disappointed with me even though he / she hasn’t said anything.” “I know my friend is mad at me because he / she didn’t text me back right away.”

• The personalization lens

We blame ourselves for events outside of our control, or attributing external events to personal inadequacy or fault. “The driver honked at me; I must be a terrible driver.” “My colleague seems stressed; I must have done something to upset them.”

Perhaps you could identify yourself in one or another of the above examples.

At the end, it’s all about thoughts.

And this is good news!

Since with thoughts, we can work and have an impact.

Whenever you spot yourself driven by strong emotions in likewise situations, it’s always a good advice to take a min and consult your second opinion about it.

Never be afraid to question something, even if you’re convinced about its truth.

You don’t need to expose anything, since you’re just having a discussion with yourself.

I can’t tell how many articles I see going around these days, suggesting being grateful for what you have is the key to an enjoyable life.

Following such articles, I should sit every day in the mornings and evenings listing or thinking about the things I’m grateful for.

How can I be grateful for the situation I’m in?

Broken relationship, no job, no money and a lot of bills to pay!

While the suggested practice aims to direct the focus on the positive elements, I’m missing some guidance about how to identify them in our lives when everything seems so negative.

Here’s my take on it…

I remember in my twenties; I experimented occasionally with meditation and spirituality.

Following a guided meditation for 40 minutes left me impressed with how I felt. Calm yet electrified, like floating through a parallel universe, observing my known reality through some sort of windows.

As the years gone by, my practice came down to almost none. It all has become ordinary.

Okay, yes, I could still calm down a bit, but the experience faded to grey and lost its colors.

We’re getting used to it…

Yet, this “it” is never the same. We’re making “it” the same and so is our experiencing; As expected, so to say.

I bet you agree that finding excitement in situations where we already “know” the outcome is impossible. We’re bored before it begins.

It’s difficult to be grateful for something we’re used to.

Nothing in this life is like the first time!

First time driving a bicycle, a car, the first kiss, the first time out with friends, first travel or first time becoming a parent.

Every first time bore a moment of magic, filling our memories to which we’re longing for whenever we’re out of balance.

These first times are gone a long time ago and there’s no way to go back.

We don’t have to go back, but to bring them back to life.

How to make the ordinary extraordinary?

Start with dwelling through your memories about all those things you did for the first time and how enjoyable it was.

Perhaps you loved to paint in the past… Get back to this and identify the details of what you enjoyed while painting. Take a blank sheet and dive into those details. Experience them anew.

I remember how I enjoyed driving a car when I got my license. I think I was pretty much driving every day, even if I had nowhere to go.

What makes it ordinary are thoughts like: “I’ve driven so much in my life, I don’t want to anymore” or “These traffic jams everyday make me go nuts!”

By releasing all this while directing my focus to the experience itself now, I can sense the initial excitement again.

I laugh about these predicaments and indulge in the g-forces affecting my body when taking a turn.

I notice how I love the smell of warm leather, unleashed by the sun heating my skin through the front window, along with the caressing wind.

Long story short…

The key to be grateful for what you have is to face it with a beginner’s mind.

When seeking advice from a friend during a challenging situation, a commonly shared tip is to trust your gut or follow your heart.

I’ve always thought that doing the way I feel would be the wisest choice when in doubt.

But there’s a difference to make between trusting your gut (intuition) and trusting your feelings.

Understanding the origin of feelings and emotions requires challenging them to differentiate between intuition and distorted emotional responses triggered by beliefs.

These distorted emotional reactions can be highly convincing and appealing, creating an illusion of truth.

It's easy to fall into a trap by believing that because you feel a certain way, it must be true, regardless of the evidence.

Some examples:

“I feel awkward, so everyone must think I’m awkward and unlikeable.” “I feel unlovable, so nobody could care about me.” “I’m so anxious about this presentation; it must mean that I’m incompetent.”

Since the source of it is thoughts, we can challenge them by questioning the facts.

Take over the advocate role and put the thought on trial.

For example, if you feel unable, holding you back from making the next step, ask yourself why you believe that you’re not able?

Note down your answers and take some time to identify whether they’re real or just imagination.

Perhaps you’ve been nervous in the past when presenting the latest updates to a wider audience. But the past can’t be real. It was real, but it isn’t anymore.

Every moment differs from each other. There’s no reason to bring the past into the present.

You might be nervous again, but trust it won’t be the same as what you experienced in the past.

Besides the why, don’t be afraid to ask what would happen if?

Assuming your answer reveals that you’re afraid of losing track while presenting.

What if this happens?

How would you react when someone else loses track while presenting? I bet it’s far from being catastrophic. Perhaps give yourself as good advice as you would give to a friend.

Noticing someone else being nervous while presenting generates empathy. People connect to it and that’s what makes it authentic. It reminds them about their own struggles in likewise situations.

We’re humans, no robots. We do mistakes and we fail; That’s how we grow.

A robot perfectly executing his tasks results from engineers' million failures.

So don’t confuse your emotional responses emerging from false beliefs with intuition.

In a way, you are your own engineer, unconsciously programming your robotic-self.

Emotions are easier to spot than thoughts.

Therefore, watch out for how you feel about something, then try to grab the thoughts that go with it, and take it from there.

Are you unconsciously programming yourself again?

If yes, realize it, and put things into perspective.