Thoughts that prevent us from setting boundaries
And how to deal with them
In this fast-paced life, we cannot pass by setting boundaries if we don’t want to end as a mental smashed-potato.
There’re just too many things happening in a ridiculously short amount of time.
Everyone has to offer, do, or deliver whatever it is by yesterday.
Not only do we need to be lightening fast, we’re also asked to be mental and emotional beasts.
But that’s not how it works. And the only way to protect us is to set boundaries.
But what are boundaries?
Boundaries are guidelines, rules, or limits that you create to identify reasonable, safe, and permissible ways for others to behave towards you.
These boundaries can be physical, emotional, or mental, and they help define your sense of self and your ability to maintain autonomy and self-respect.
You can look at it as a game. There are rules to follow. Being it at work, leisure or family, we agree to a set of rules that allows the smooth execution of the game.
Yet what happens when we don’t set our own rules?
Well, the game cannot run smooth… it will always be on you. Whether you’ve put in time or emotional energy.
It runs, but out of balance.
Let’s have a look at thoughts that prevent setting boundaries.
They often stem from internalized beliefs, or fears of conflict, rejection, or being viewed as selfish.
Our mistake is that we believe, and we obey them.
Here are a few common examples:
“I don’t want to upset or disappoint others”
It’s understandable to worry about how others will react when boundaries are set.
Yet if you’re clear with your boundaries, then you won’t be able to upset or disappoint someone.
And if someone reacts disappointed or upset, then probably because this person had an expectation that wasn’t met. But that’s out of your control!
“I should always prioritize others’ needs over my own”
This belief often arises from the values we have been given in our childhood.
There’s nothing wrong with caring for others. But if you continually hold on this attitude, you will drain your energy. And without, you won’t be able to care for yourself, let alone for others.
It’s a necessity to have good housekeeping in energy.
“I’m worried about losing the relationship or connection”
We all have it. Fear of being alone or being rejected.
Yet sharing your boundaries can actually strengthen relationships through mutual understanding and respect. And if this is not possible, then the relationship can’t really work.
I know this is difficult to accept because the reality is rarely inline with what we want.
Yet once you understand, this case will save you from a lot of struggles; although it seems so sad at the moment.
What to do with such thoughts?
The best way is to stop blindly believe and react, but to question instead.
3 Questions to challenge the thought:
Why do I want (or not) to do that?
Example: Why do I want to prioritize others’ needs over my own?
Possible answer: I want to feel accepted.What would happen in the worst case if I do (or don’t)?
Possible answer: I could be rejectedWould I still be okay afterwards?
Possible answer: Well, I’ll be sad for a while, but I guess I’d be okay.
Answering these questions isn’t easy. You need to take some time for it. Yet the most important thing is that you have to rely on facts when you answer.
Guesses or interpretations are not allowed.
An exception is on question number 2. Since you should picture your worst case scenario.
These questions help to relativize and remove the weight that we experience. Making it easier to set them.
Anyhow, if you’re struggling with setting boundaries, I trust that you have a high amount of empathy.
I know, and you should as well, the boundaries you will set won’t be an act of selfishness!
Just to get this selfishness out of the way :)